a scar that never graced my wrist

feel something more than this

2007-01-01T23:03:00.000+08:00

sometimes i think i'm invisible. or that i've already been forgotten. it would explain a lot of things. to be easily wiped off, like a smeared stain on the window. fingerprints and they fade away when the rain comes. for a moment, like a candle that seemed to sparkle and burn so bright. to burn everything away and be nothing more than embers and ashes at the end.

i am melted wax. shapeless and without form. forgotten, remembered only when the filament burns and chars and you are left without any other choice nor solution.

it feels hollow inside. hollow without reason, hollow without the echo of voices and laughter of camaraderie. alone, the aching pangs of needing hands to reach and hold and pull me from an otherwise endless chasm.

but this is all a dream and i'll wake up. the day will go on. a smile, endless plastered upon my face. soon enough, my eyes will cease to betray any other emotion than one you think i'm letting you believe it is. until then.

until then.

actions

2006-12-30T14:22:00.000+08:00

let's see if you know how to walk the walk instead of just talking it.

incoherence

2006-12-20T02:01:00.000+08:00

1. i want to be rich.

so that i can zoom off to wherever in my private jet and buy as many things as i want. i think i will end up being a tai tai. working to earn money and to finish it all and to budget and everything else makes me want to cry. really. i was about to cry in the car for some strange obtuse unknown reason.

2. i want to be pretty.

so hot girls are psycho. i want to be pretty. pretty and filthy rich. lovely combination. when you look good you feel good. as of late i look like fuck and hence i feel like trash. not a nice feeling. being nice and pleasant and non bitch like to the rest of the world when you feel like fuck, makes you want to kill yourself. not at all the least bit emo. can we say psycho?

3. i want dresses.

because dresses make me feel pretty and girly. because i feel like a guy in jeans. because i hate being cute and sweet. because you don't have to figure out what else to wear with dresses. you don't have to plan out what jeans or what shirt or what top goes with it. because a dress, is on its own.

4. i want books.

a lot of it. like, a lot. my own library worth of books. i love science fiction. i love fantasy. i love fiction and literature and i definitely love design books. i am a geek. a bookwhore. whoever gives a shit. i love books. i love reading. i can read the whole day and hide from the rest of the world for forever. just as long as i have books.

5. i don't want to feel like shit.

so i'm feeling it now. chocolate is not working. maybe sleep. or a baby penguin. hmmm. yes. maybe a baby penguin.

halo

2006-12-15T02:10:00.000+08:00

i want to curl into a tight ball of flesh and die.
contrary to popular belief, i hate crying.
i hate feeling weak.
i hate feeling vulnerable.
i hate feeling exposed.

i'm stronger than this.
i'm not some fragile, demure girl.
no one's ever saved me before.

i can do this.
smile girl.
the world doesn't need to know you're dying inside.

codeword confusion

2006-12-14T11:55:00.000+08:00

lj is being a bitch. or rather, i don't understand what code or whatever it is that my browser is sending out to lj. gah. this makes it a bitch to update there and i may very well have to just revert over to here. the bloggerside. oh the horror. i wrote a nice post really. well, not really. i don't know what to say about the cloudy fogginess in my head nor the feel of melancholia that greeted me when i woke up. really. sometimes you wish you didn't have to hear things because then you're over-active imagination won't gave anything to feed on and drive you insane. but that's impossible isn't it?

impossible is never not possible.

what is the definition of a normal relationship. is there even such a thing as normal. from all the angles that i try to look at by far the only one that's most feasible, acceptible, logical and rational is that. but neither wants it. and yet living together, or not really living but rather being together, results in the same prolonged agony and mind-fucking dioramas played out in the head that could drive either party insane. well, it has driven one and then.

and then?

i just don't have the answers. really. i don't know what to do. why can't you see that it isn't easy for me either? life's too much of a fucking irony.

i wonder what happy feels like.
because it's clear we both can't remember anymore.

rights, choices and preoccupations

2006-12-07T22:52:00.000+08:00

i think i should stop writing here. fortunately i have other things preoccupying my mind. like promotions and discounts and ringing up sales. so this one goes on hiatus. i choose to write and if i don't, no one else has a say in it.

when i am more coherent, i will sort this out

2006-12-05T06:32:00.000+08:00

i'm not quite sure how to go about writing this. but it wasn't a nice way to wake up this morning. nor was it a nice way to fall asleep either. i only fell asleep because my body and brain was tired. at ease? i wish i was. i'm trying to think, how could our arguments now be better than before? how much better could it possibly be. maybe a month or so back i can believe that things were better. but it's my fault isn't it? i'm always the one screwing up anyway and that hasn't changed. oh but i will. change it that is. i won't ever screw up again. lying and hiding to preserve happiness is of no point and of no use. something's bound to screw up. i wonder what ever gave me that idea and notion anyway. so if you do something wrong and fucked up, just tell the truth. even if you were extremely happy like 5 minutes before. i'm not even criticising anything or being disgruntled or whatever.

i think that i don't even know what i feel now. perhaps it's worrying that meeting up with him incites 3 kinds of feelings. uncertain, worried and happy. it's nice to feel the happy feeling but sometimes the happy feeling doesn't last the whole night and at the end of it, you're back to square one. why uncertain and why worried? it isn't because i'm lying and hiding things. but because of conversations in the day, prior to the meet-up. you're unsure as to how he feels from then till the point of time that he met up with you. and if you're amongst friends it's even harder.

because he's cold to you but warm to others.

i have to finish getting ready for work. i shelve all of this aside, out of that part that's needed to function. because yes, thinking about it and letting it affect you and work (especially during work) isn't going to solve anything. i can't talk to anyone about this or about how i feel. or maybe, i don't even know how i feel. it's just a tangled mass of emotions. a ball of yarn that's yet to be re-wound.

so much for a good first day of work. this is my second. why do i get this strange feeling (or maybe that's the feeling of certainty) that it's going to end as 'good' as yesterday's?

to quote radiohead, i wish i was special. i feel more alone than ever.

happy feet, i want a baby penguin

2006-12-01T22:39:00.000+08:00

single college girls group?
explain to me, please.
because looking at it and all the posts/entries is rather disturbing.
very, disturbing.
i thought you didn't like younger girls.
so how exactly am i supposed to not be paranoid?

sigh.
at least the movie and retail therapy made me happy.
gig tomorrow.
sunday for the family.
monday we work. and maybe jam.
i think i need to jam.
scream a bit, sing a lot.
de-stress. haha.

end

2006-11-28T01:07:00.000+08:00

angels and devils.
crawling and lurking beneath bedsheets and dustbunnies.
your voice on the phone.
the aloof detachment.
silence, dead, an engaged line and finally a voicemail.
hours later, a call.
it died.
being stubborn, inside begging to see see see things from my perspective.
suddenly, maybe, we both feel there isn't a point going forward anymore.
without a spine, a mind of my own.
lies, lies, hiding and hide.
fatigue, tired, them.
frustration bent on paper, torn into shreds.
the mother coming in.
don't worry about not finding a job,
but she'll never know the truth.
a slow engulfing loneliness, a slow bitter pain.
simple english, why should you be upset?
you're the one that fucked everything up.
your angry words, bitter words, everything in the heat of fury.
apologies, giving and taking.

but they still hurt
what right do you have to be hurt

nothing. none. guilty, accused, my fault.
not anger, acquiescence, simple english - giving up.
maybe you should have bade farwell and said goodbye;
we wouldn't be like this anymore,
you'd be your own self once more.
nothing that you gained.
all that i took.

i don't want to be perfect.
i don't want to lie and hide.
i don't want to argue.
i don't want to cry.
i don't want to be bothered.
i think i killed the both of us this night.

tea tea and coughs

2006-11-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

vivian has scraps of poetry i used to write back in college. there's a lot more where that came from. a lot more that i scribbled and wrote. in an attempt to stay awake during lectures, to keep myself busy and basically to vent my frustrations out because of an idiotic idiot who then became my boyfriend and whom i dumped ceremoniously. not without suffering myself.

ah well. they say young love is love that's yet to smell the freshly brewed tea. if that ever made sense.

lack of fashion sense again. know what? screw wearing formal and all that shit. i'll just wear shirt and jeans again. there is no point in dressing up when you still look plain.

i'm coughing really badly now. the asthmatic kind. yeurgh.

i can't fucking sleep and i hate not being able to

2006-11-26T01:30:00.000+08:00

why are you always so friendly with my friends who are girls.
sometimes they don't even comment on your myspace and yet you leave a comment on theirs.
and mine?
you said you were tired.
when i said i wasn't going to hang out later you said you were going home.
but now when your whole gang is down your tiredness just goes away huh?
you miss me?
right.
i bet you don't even realise that i'm still angry and bothered.

if she sat beside you.
why couldn't you have moved.
you were the one who started the convo about her song.
because i heard.

crap.
now i can't sleep and i have to wake up early tomorrow.
you'd prolly only just reach home at the time that i wake up.
spend time with me tomorrow?
right.
more like i come over and spend time with you.
the only time you ever leave the house is to meet up with people at night or work anyway.

i am telling myself to not be petty.
or selfish.
or childish.
to not be bothered.
but i can't seem to.
and that really sucks.
so i don't know why i feel like this.
think its the menses.
but it really sucks.

yes i know

2006-11-24T20:43:00.000+08:00

if you were here and you weren't, i removed the previous entry.

first off to the big brother who thinks i'm depression personified, I AM NOT! hmpf. how dare you reveal my secrets to the rest of the world. who fortunately, know not of the existence of this blog. meanie. in any case. who's the one playing super mario huh huh huh? and i don't recall turning invisible. if this is a poke at how short i am then i am going to stab you with a plastic spork and feed you month0old brownies. trust me, they won't be tasting yum at all.

and i happen to lead a rather uninteresting life so you can't blame me for writing about inane-ly dull and mundane things. so there.

my boyfriend is in hongkong, believing that i don't miss him but i do. how would he know? because i spent the whole day at home watching anime after anime because usually i'd be out and about and over at his place or something instead of letting myself be chained to the computer. which is a good thing. of which, thanks to just sitting here and letting my butt expand, the rest of me has expanded as well.

awhile ago my parents had a nice the-only-daughter-who-is-rarely-at-home-and-is-finally-at-home talk with me and told me that i have to concentrate on finding a job (although later on they said that i'd only be able to find one after raya) and to learn how to drive. and i was told that when i wear make-up it only projects confidence. no dear reader(s), i don't look good/pretty without makeup nor with. and only with makeup i'm just confident. ouch did that sting or what.

i shall try pz's fat-burning soup recipe, stay indoors and not get tanned and find some super rich but about to die geezer to be my benefactor. HAHA! right whatever.

boyfriend boyfriend. come home. i miss you. the end.

the little voice of childishness in my head

2006-11-21T03:46:00.000+08:00

i wish i could stop being envious of fashionable girls. i wish i had the confidence to pull off any kind of style. i wish i had a style to begin with. i'm tired of wearing teeshirts and jeans. i'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and looking so, plain. every girl goes through this. you can't blame us when we see so many others on the streets. our age, our height, our built. but why do they always look better?

and why do i always look sub-standard? or even worse.

i look at fashion journals. i try to pick out things that might look good on me. but somehow, i just never seem to be able to carry it off and that sucks. really. then i see some other girl and she manages to pull it off so well. so maybe that's why i hate them even more. they look good. they look nice. they're pretty, cute, hot and everything else.

i'm just. eternally sweet and cute. which disgusts me. sweet and cute makes me sound/look as if i'm 15 bloody years old. and i'm not! what can i do about that anyway? he says that i'm fine just the way i am. but he also said that i don't know how to put eyeliner properly (or rather, that i applied it wrongly). embarrassing much. as a result i've sorta stopped bothering to put on make-up. it was supposed to make you look good, transform you into something pretty and decent.

all it did was make me look so amateur, a little girl trying too hard. i shouldn't even try at all. maybe i should just start dressing up like a boy. the term if you have it, flaunt it doesn't apply here. sides. guys always look good eventhough they dress so simply. i dress simply and i look as if i couldn't be bothered with how i look.

grr. so tell me exactly, what the hell am i supposed to do?

and plus. i want to do something about my hair. the length is all nice. but the ends are split, my dye job is fading and i think the rest of it is badly in need of a trim.

ho'well.

without wings i cannot fly

2006-11-20T22:24:00.000+08:00

i wish that i could go on the trip too. but i can't go anywhere beyond singapore unless its sentosa. always wishing to get away from here, but never being able to. sometimes i feel that's the reason why i want to be a travel journalist. not so much as to travel the world but rather, so that i could get away. so that i could escape.

wishful thinking isn't it? i shouldn't be so selfish and instead be glad. who knows. haha. maybe when i'm 35 i'll finally be able to leave this place and travel the world. in the meantime i'm just going to keep watching channel 16.

hatred

2006-11-18T19:50:00.000+08:00

i hate them. s, c and a. i don't care if i don't know them. i don't care if they're nice or whatever. i hate them. i don't have to give a reason. i simply do. and if i could. i'd slap all of them, tear their hair out and flush their heads down the toilet bowl. petty much? i don't fucking care. i hate them and that's that.

with questions come more questions

2006-11-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

the only promise i never seem to keep to myself, is to stop hurting myself. why stop it when there isn't anything else that substitutes it. sometimes you question, how can love bring about so much pain? i look at this razorblade and i see the release it can bring. i see how it can dull me, my senses, my soul. i see how each nick, each cut brings me further and farther from this reality.

escapism? why not. a coward? i am indeed.

i haven't cut. but i am very tempted too. i'm not even angry. i don't understand why i am hurt. nor why i am crying. i don't understand either. i don't understand anything at all. two people in a relationship are supposed to talk and communicate. and yet they can't. i am trying to work things out, trying to make things better. we already resolved one this afternoon. and earlier we had talked about this.

do not protect yourself. make yourself as vulnerable as possible. be open to pain. be open to hurt. even if you don't understand it.

i am.

i sure as hell don't understand. it isn't fair to go back to protecting. so if not that, and if trying to work something out doesn't appear to be working. then what do you do?

muscle aches and pains

2006-11-08T00:54:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what it'd be like to shoot yourself in your foot. like literally. how long before pain registers in your head? it's different from cutting yourself. that much i am certain.

random thoughts in my head. must be the agony and tension in my shoulders and neck. looking up and down is an utter pain. the kind that makes you want to cry because your muscles are SCREAMING.

bleed white scars

2006-10-29T22:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes you get the feeling that there's more. that is when they say retribution. sometimes i hate myself. a lot and with a vengeance. and when i do, i bring out an old friend and cry a little.

then i smile and face the rest of the world.

sometimes i feel that the only thing that'll make me happy is to punch you in the face, laugh and disappear. you, can be anyone. anyone at all. just as long as i get to punch. just as long as someone else bleeds. just as long as i get the hurt out of me onto someone else.

just as long.

shoot me now please

2006-10-12T20:03:00.000+08:00

you know when depression, stress and anger hits you all at the same time. you want to shove two fingers down your throat and puke everything out. the only way i'm going to be happy is if all these people stop calling me and telling me that i need to re-mark (i followed the damn scheme damn it fuck you fuck fuck you) and if i lose every inch of fat and flab so that i won't look at those girls with envy.

taller, slimmer, prettier. why not? the ideal beauty isn't it? self has been hit by immense tsunami of self-esteem issues. i've smsed people multiple times to shoot me now already. i just feel like crying. i hate this. i really do. i hate it all.

i just want to buy ice crea (the venezia kind), sit with people who'll make me laugh and forget all the shit work i had to bring home and face and just wipe every inch of misery away. please do that. please. before i turn into medusa and start snapping the heads off everyone else. boyfriend included.

gawd this is sickening. pure uncondensed hatred. yes. there are funny stories. but what's that compared to shit pay, shit working hours, shit workload? WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT YO!

the part where she frowns

2006-10-05T09:45:00.000+08:00

if you don't believe in gratitude, why the hell should i be the one who pays?

such a nice person that i've been paying for your damn hosting for a year plus. do you seriously think i earn a lot as a teacher?

bad stomachache in the morning. finished a time trial whilst my guts played hockey in the loo. frowned at my hair and face and body. i wonder if hair will grow back in four days. i'm thinking not. it's nice of some people to be kind when they comment on my hair. thank you.

have i mentioned that i just want to cut it all off. 30 minutes before my alarm rings. 30 seconds to mars. i wish.

the one where she breaks, finally

2006-10-04T18:06:00.000+08:00

i need to go for a course on anger management. that said. i need to find a shrink, a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist. i think i'm hurting more than i am healing. and hurting goes two ways. self-destruction has a strange psychotically perverse appeal now. but. must. control.

i need to blank myself out. why do holidays to krabi and phuket cost so much?

i don't seem to be able to remember anything anymore and it hurts.

a pull in muscle

2006-10-04T12:52:00.000+08:00

sometimes i'm so exhausted, that i start to cry.

my right arm hurts like a bitch. my stomach growls and rumbles. my hair is screaming to be trimmed. that will be done. once i wake up from sleep.

mm sleep.

i miss the fact that we never do seem to go out anymore. oh well.

sometimes i wonder if i really am as pretty as you say. sometimes i feel you say it out of obligation. somethings gone wrong somewhere. because i don't seem to know you, me or us anymore.

my ego's taken a huge beating. i'm hungry and i need to sleep.

depression is a disease

2006-10-01T15:17:00.000+08:00

depression is a disease. it is not a social stigma. it is something that people should be worried and concerned about. it is not easy fighting it alone. it is painful, hard and torturous to feel all these uncontrollable emotions because society dictates that all other perceptions are wrong.

Tools to Fight Depression.

drugs don't necessarily work. don't bother with religious sermons. you cannot control serotonin levels through talk alone.

this is why i have to run. this is why i need to run. this is why i need to do something before it controls me again. before i lose grip on reality, before i lose grip on myself.

help me please.

Get help. Don't be ashamed of needing medication, and don't give up until you find something that helps. And see a therapist.
Identify your feelings and moods. Depression is a self-destructive effort to avoid feeling. Accept that emotions are natural and helpful. Learn that mood changes don't come "out of the blue" — they are always started by an event, a memory, a dream. Use the Mood Journal to identify what starts your mood changes.
Challenge depressed thinking. People with depression remember and blame themselves for bad events, while they forget about and give others credit for good events. Their low expectations mean they often don't prepare adequately and give up too easily. Worst, they think they are essentially different — damaged somehow — from other people. These are all learned habits of thought that can be unlearned. Pay attention to your assumptions and beliefs.
Let others know. Depressives fear intimacy more than most people. We put on masks for the world, because we believe our true selves to be shameful, unworthy. But this belief is wrong. When we're with someone we can trust, sharing our thoughts and feelings — even if they seem unimportant — is good for us.
Take care of your self. Learn to pay attention to messages from your body. Depressives abuse themselves by not eating right, not exercising, then expecting to work 12 hours straight. They will deny a minor ache or pain until they have an ulcer or a chronic back condition. Take time for moderate exercise, eat healhy but delicious meals, and allow yourself some pleasure in life.
Practice detachment. We spend far too much time and effort trying to control things that aren't worth the struggle. Many things that worry us are really unimportant; we've just gotten overinvolved and lost our bearings. We may find that we're trying to change things that we realistically cannot change. Instead of battering your head against a brick wall, learn to walk away.

survival of the damned

2006-09-28T23:31:00.000+08:00

it's the truth. everyone pretty much laughs at me. because i have a curfew at 21. i have to sneak out at night like a teenager to hang out with friends. heck, i get reprimanded for saying 'fuck' and 'shit'. right now i'm honestly trying to figure out how all of this makes me feel. adding up to the depressing epiphany at work, which i didn't manage to tell the boyfriend, this is just. icing. you can't blame me for wanting to run away.

because it really does suck to be me. as much as you want to compare me to the suffering rife in other parts of the world; think again. i'm me. they're them. we're different. now compare me to you. would you have been able to survive the kind of life i lead?

fast and furiooooooooooussssssssss

2006-09-24T20:06:00.000+08:00

stubborn. childish. infantile. puerile. stop this. i need a way to channel all this unnecessary anger and frustration.

ok. i realise dancing around like a mad idiot (especially to teriyaki boyz's tokyo drift) makes you feel a lot better. will do this in the future. aye.

nods.

vote for hady. vote for an idol who can sing. amen.

i'm gonna watch BLEACH. because, abarai renji is just way too fucking hot.

aww look at the lil brat whining

2006-09-24T14:26:00.000+08:00

i promised myself that i would start taking things lightly. i promised myself that i would stop being so anal with regards to a lot of things. i promised myself that i would stop bothering so much about things. i promised myself that i wouldn't give a fuck anymore.

and so i won't.

:D

damn but it sucks doesn't it? haha. i am going to immerse myself in work. am going to watch john tucker must die on monday to cheer myself up. brother, khai and i are going to watch dead or alive together. must learn the names of the five girls who charge up male testosterone on screen. haha.

i am going to vector distortion pedals for the fun of it all. since i am dead bored and have literally no life. at 3pm i am going to go out and buy myself a dress. retail therapy. and guess what? on the first day of ramadhan, my period just had to come and say hello. so not only can't i fast, i'm fucking cranky and irritable as well. well done.

thankyouverymuch.

i hate you all.

in the hood

2006-09-22T05:47:00.000+08:00

many lessons to learn.

suni clay on repeat in my head.

don't ever get your hopes raised.

is it really true?

2006-09-21T19:12:00.000+08:00

running = good.

therapeutic. but i still want a vacation. you have no idea how much i really want to whine and grouse about the injustice of everything but i'm going to be responsible and socially considerate and shut the fuck up. and i'd love to tell you (the boyfriend); bitch and whine and everything. but you kinda suck at words. and i already know what you're going to say so yeah. i'd still feel crummy. so you should kinda read the blog because i replied in a comment.

right-o. i wish my pay would come in. ever get those moments where you want to be those supremely bratty, spoilt and rich kids especially the ones on my super sweet 16 on mtv? having those moments. i want to be spoilt rotten. HAHA! pampered and waited on hand and foot. yeah. wait long long. maybe if i daydream hard and long enough i'll get to experience it in my dreams.

finished sudoku. still haven't showered. still stinking like hell. i am queen. and i find that i should stop worrying about a lot of things. mother is going to sponsor my chain, because the current one is giving me a rash. sterling silver. yeah, my skin is more pampered than i am. sheesh.

this is a rant/bitch/moan/whine

2006-09-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

each day is a routine. isn't it a huge sign if i keep looking at the classified and reading offers on holiday getaway packages. i feel miserable being stuck here. seeing the kids. yeah, the only appreciation i get is from two girls. two teacher's day notes. though the one from the older girl was a tad more meaningful.

we live for snippets of gratitude, a week at a time. i shouldn't complain. since i'm getting paid (low low low) at the end of it all. i reckon i would miss it. that i would miss the kids. and how there were odd times whereby they managed to crack me up with their innocent mischief.

where's all the glory? the triumphs and the victory? my period is making me really cranky. yeah. tell me to put the site one, can't even tell me yourself can you? and pay the fucking bill damn it. i did your site, i took photos i don't even get a fucking word of thanks. fuck gratitude.

yikes. you can see how much of a mood this is turning to be. i want a m-a-s-s-a-g-e. i want a holiday. i wanna book myself into a spa and be pampered from head to toe. i wanna go on a shopping spree. i wanna have high tea. i wanna be spoilt for life. nyeh. that's so tai-tai. no thanks.

maybe i just want to be recognised. yup. soon. maybe. hopefully. just do my job, get it seen on the backs of thousands (that's just an exaggerating) who patronise the shop. see it on the bodies of those who come down for the concert, the huge-ass high disposable income to spare throngs. MWAHAHA!

this is turning psychotic and i'm not making sense. i think i'm just displeased with my life. i was hoping for more, expecting for more, wanting more. hey, i did try doing more. some people get it easy. damn you people. gimme some of your luck! coz i damn well need it. i mean take a look at me. i lose my phone and wallet and not once (well there was that one time but it was SO long ago and i was like what, 10?) have either been returned to me. bad luck? bad karma? i'm nice to people and yet.

blablabla the sound of me whining and bitching. and know what? the whole of today my left and right hands were tingling. ached like shit. air conditioning plus carpal. not a very good combination i tell you. plus my legs kept cramping.

i ain't gonna die healthy. nosirree!

ok. i am going to sleep. i don't feel like going in to work tomorrow. at least not in the morning. shoot me. i deserve a break. dear miss _____, here's your break, you deserve it. thank you for putting up with our shit. we love you.

oh how i wish.

p.s to the boyfriend who reads this. i guess this is why i seem so distant. i had time to think while i was on the bus. so yes. =) at least i still tell you no?

sniffles and sneezes

2006-09-16T10:24:00.000+08:00

it's been a hectic week. with examinations and marking and re-conditioned body clocks. i've never had to stay so late in school before and hence, the past 5 days were really draining in my body. finally, the weekend and i wake up an additional 4 hours later from my usual 0530hrs. bliss.

been reading some blogs. guy blogs. guys who blog about their girlfriends and mention much love to them. its really sweet. with chocolate muffins and random surprises. in some envious way maybe i wish i had that. but that's just selfish and etcetc of me so yes. i'm grateful for what i have.

been broke. or about to be very broke. account has dwindled down to two digits and they start with the number 2. all thanks to my guilty indulgence - psp, dress, a top and other edible knicknacks. oh yeah. the cab rides home are horrendous. terribly expensive. that's what you get for having poor time management.

i lost my phone. so i'm contactless. haha. feels odd and disorientating to not be connected in the most simplest of ways. but in some ways, i do feel liberated. :D right. i'm going to go back to bed. swapped games with the boyfriend and so now i'm going to go on a monster hunt!

but i really suck at the game because i have no idea how to refuel my character. looooser!

oh yeah. have also been having this week-long flu. which terribly sucks. and i've been taking meds and dietary supplements too. training for 10km the week after.

run like how the wind chases after coattails

2006-09-10T20:52:00.000+08:00

brother and i will begin training for 10km next week. evening-ish at mount faber. i intend to be a lean mean running machine. ok, just the running machine part. woots! i need a shoebag because i don't have a place to store stinky shoes and socks after practice. yuckers.

would sayang like to join us? its uber far. but i was thinking one of the days we run around woodlands and you can show me the sights. erm, whichever sights that might be. and we'll go at a slow pace because i am a turtle like that. yes?

i want to run 10km. i want to run. period.

somebody save me, pretty please

2006-09-10T13:29:00.000+08:00

someone save me. i'm so sick i'm grumpy. blocked nose that alternates between freezing up and leaking. i've taken meds. vitamin c and fish oil even. if that's not going to save me, i don't know what will.

sucks majorly.

in another news. my life has ended. say hello to the psp. i really wish i owned a VW Golf, Mitsubishi Eclipse and a RX-8. sigh.

i will sleep. supper with the boyfriend later. i hope.

swimming swimming boom

2006-09-09T01:32:00.000+08:00

the boyfriend and i have matching psp sets. black. i got the white one initially but when he called and i broke to him the news he was livid (in a cute way). haha. but i got nfs: mw. and spent the better part of the night trying to trick my slate grey rx-8. damn it. i can't seem to unlock any of the gears. this sucks. as compared to my volkswagen golf, this rx-8 isn't even equipped with nitro. boo.

mental note to self. excessive playing aggravates carpal tunnel's. another major boo. nevermind. shall go surf around and see what other games psp has to offer. then i can plan my next save-and-buy. HAHA! it ain't shop and save it's the opposite. geddit geddit?

ok if you don't forget it. i'm going to knock off early. maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me. but i thought i spied a kenny roger's bun in the kitchen. my mom couldn't have possibly snuck it back from jb could she? then again, if she can get away with airline cutlery why not eh?

somehow playing nfs reminds me of the time i used to go to the xbox center with nicole and we'd sit there playing xbox from morning till god knew when. yeah. memories. i have to meet up with the girls soon. shall try the week after since quin has a job that's got something to do with the world bank meeting this coming week.

ergh. holidays are coming to an end. sigh.

so from time to time we're colour-coordinated. although with his new emo get-up, we won't be colour-coordinating anytime soon (for all the emo i listen to, i seriously can't pull it off). so the only thing that's similar is the psp. hurhur. right.

been a long time waiting

2006-09-08T12:46:00.000+08:00

sitting here and waiting for my hair to dry before blowdrying it to smithereens.

we've been having communication problems. not that i can rightly say in detail just that, i should really open my mouth more before things start piling up and drowning me and in turn, us. but things are okay now and we can only work towards making it better day by day.

a wise investment it will be. it had better be. dreams of need for speed and spandex. a little disturbing but they are dreams after all. as long as they don't drip over into reality. now as much as that would be cool, it's gonna be real disturbing. i should get ready and get out. get my game, sit at coffee club and waste the rest of my life away. work begins again. i did love this holiday. chilling, relaxing and spending time with the love.

gravity is such a sad song. even more melancholic when it's raw, unplugged and in your head.

of allergic reactions and reunions

2006-09-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

how very true miss corrine bailey rae. the weather's been so perfect for just cuddling up with a bolster and sleeping in. there are heavy clouds above us and i want to do nothing more than to just pull the covers up to my chin and fall to sleep with a very content smile on my face.

i didn't know they made a movie for nana. first initial d and now nana. radical. still waiting for payday and then i really really wanna get my psp and spend the rest of my life in bed playing games. particularly those days when the sister is home. aww cmon. it means that i'm doing nothing harmful save for being addicted to a gaming console (almost) 24/7. if my brother can do that, why can't i eh? plus, i work in the day so its only fair i get to play at night and during free periods :D

my right arm is doing better. it still hurts and from time to time i get this tingling numbing feeling. it hurts when i exert pressure on it though. so please, don't try and twist my arm or i will scream bloody murder into your ear and shatter your ear drums. i am very capable of doing that (a requirement in every girl who has attended an all girls' school).

narcisco rodriguez and polo sport. i love those scents. keeps me happy. but hugo boss gets me turned in as well. not turned on because that's just erotic and arousing. turn in because its just so heady and intoxicating and it makes you feel like a v-v-vamp. but i love french connection too and victoria secret's is more refreshing and spunky than seductive. or maybe its just the scents that i use. hmm.

and also. i'm allergic to dust. 5 hours cleaning up my room. 4 trash bags and old childhood memories. gone. kapoof. i used to be so attached to toys but now i figured that time is over. i cannot relive them because as much as childhood memories are important (in some cases), they were sad, lonely and a little painful. no time to delve.

alrightey. imagine this, i've been working for almost 3 months. i didn't realise it till i talked to a friend who needed a job. what better way than to relief teach. easy (unless you're stuck teaching for real) money for short hours. or semi short hours. and if you're like me, i vanish right when the school bell has rung. such a cheat eh?

alrighty. time to shower in flowers again. the market at west coast sells really cheap flowers. lovely. they're big and fresh. i feel like getting myself a bouquet. for no apparent reason. i do like flowers just that. nevermind. the last time i got them was when we went to gigs. our classmates are such dear supportive people. :) i miss the whole lot. will see them when the school has a reunion in december. at the expo of all fucking places. i hope they'll call back mr. chow. i love that guy. the bitchiest, smartest fucker in the whole school.

and i really need to stop blowing my ex-collegemates off when they have gatherings. yeah. damn bloody fucking insincere of me. i missed out on so many birthdays too. so its only right that people missed and forgot mine. nevermind. 2007's coming. there'll be a heck lot of changes.

sell out

2006-09-03T14:18:00.000+08:00

for some strange reason, my right shoulder hurts. i can't really move it much and now typing stings a little. oh well. i'm going for a holistic massage. so apart from getting the evils of society (hurhur) purged from my body, i get the kinks worked out too. sweeet.

ironically enough, even though all they asked was 2 questions, its kinda true.

the Peacemaker

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BX - your Enneagram type is NINE.

"I am at peace"

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union
with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially
don't like expectations or pressure.

I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.

Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.

Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge
me gently and nonjudgmentally.

Ask me questions to help me get clear.

Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.

Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.

I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.

Let me know you like what I've done or said.

Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

being nonjudgmental and accepting

caring for and being concerned about others

being able to relax and have a good time

knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good
mediator and facilitator

my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and
now

being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch
of the mouth personally

being confused about what I really want

caring too much about what others will think of me

not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

tune out a lot, especially when others argue

are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

are supportive, kind, and warm

are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test? so please don't forget to RATE it...

but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-)

you wanna know MORE?

so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...

...even more you'll find in Google

or do you prefer to

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose BX

Would you rather have chosen:

AX (SEVEN)

CX (TWO)

BY (FOUR)

BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on ABC
You scored higher than 99% on XYZ

Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

off to massage. running regime begins next week. let's take it easy. once a week, a familiar route, a comfortable pace. and then 3 months from now, we're gonna up it to twice a week, twice around the route and twice the speed. :D i'm actually psyched for this!

work out

2006-09-02T23:56:00.000+08:00

ladies and gentlemen.

i want to buy a bike. mountain bike and go biking. that said. i want to start taking hiphop and kickboxing classes. i wanna get fit the fun way and kick ass. healthy lifestyle (smoking included). because one of these days, i wanna join a marathon/biathlon and really, go all the way.

but screw the biking. i really really wanna go back to running. and i think i'm going to start next week. just... lemme mooch around for a little while more.

standing by to cushion your fall

2006-09-02T22:00:00.000+08:00

I guess I really was a nasty fucked up person. We just look nice on the outside. But inside, we're demons. Monsters, spawned from hell. Corrupted and vile. I'm not that anymore. But sometimes, a slip of the tongue, a look, a careless subconscious action throws me down. I've changed. Can't people see that? There are times where I feel so small and significant, it hurts to even want to wake up and live.

I wrote that in my livejournal. Because it's the truth. Because you wish so much that it could have been different. But I read a book. The Script and what was inside scared me. Maybe it was just coincidence. Maybe it's just an over-reactive imagination. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and neurotic all over again. I'm getting better. Nothing of the sort should have the power to phase me anymore.

But I'm still, only human.

My favourite band is coming back. The band that inspired me to start my own. The frontlady who fanned the flames of photography and song-writing in me. The drumsticks that whacked me pretty hard on my head. The day my band mates met, for the first time, if not for scant seconds.

My job is done. The shirts will be out by the end of September. Hoping to get one more design job for the company. Slow and steady wins the race. I should read at least 3 chapters from the Quran. Make my mother happy and in turn, freak myself out with the afterlife. Sigh.

broken paperdolls

2006-09-01T13:51:00.000+08:00

everything is a state of mind. things aren't bad unless you believe they are. then again, isn't that denial?

last night/morning at the pool hall they played chinese songs. which is kinda duh. i remember david tao and jay chou and i found their songs and played it. just so odd isn't it? to have been so into mandarin songs when it wasn't even my second language. then again we humans, are really weird so why bother trying to comprehend that.

i have a new belt. finally. this time there won't be excess and overlaps and everything else. no more twisting, tucking and weaving. odd bulges that shouldn't be there. packing food, needing to shower. so sorry i'm late. it was nice to sleep in for a change.

another weird dream and i wake up with a tingling arm. bad blood circulation. it was a cross between final fantasy 7 - mako, sharks and creatures from the damned - and reality breakups. even when you've been dumped and single, you still have to go about ressurecting demon hellspawn to bring about the end of the world. hmm how quaint.

you can hurt a person really bad when you grab them by their collarbones. then again, why would you want to do that? shower, the ironing, blowing my hair dry. i want to run but i have no motivation. the word is, lazy. please motivate me.

mental note to self, to ask how many of each size to be printed out. i own a limited edition shirt. or rather, i'm the first to own it. ;D

trains and sewing machines

2006-08-31T12:07:00.000+08:00

split identities. the older, seasoned teachers in the staffroom are going gaga over the latest additions to the male team. my cousin claims that the one they deem cute, looks more like an ahbeng. i only told her that he looked boyschool and at least he spoke good english. the other even had married teachers swooning and smiling off into the distance.

man i wonder if working so long and so hard makes you susceptible to such situations. i'm only waiting for pay then instead of sleeping, i'll be racing through the murky underground of new york and upgrading my modest mitsubishi into a killer machine. i'd prefer nfs to id. why? because your bodykit is gonna look sweet as beyonce's ass when you've got the cash to pimp it. :D

too much ghetto speak. i should shower and get ready. i've no idea what to wear. pleasure and then business. mmm girls. haha. there's nothing wrong in appreciating the female form. it's there to be appreciated. just as long as you don't tip over the line and fall headlong into homosexualism. not that i have a problem with that. he prefers me straight. ruler-straight. no bisexual gimmicks. nuh-uh.

mucus. the constant blowing and sneezing.

girly or laidback? i don't know. i feel like playing with eyeliner and looking all coy and coquettish. course, it doesn't appeal to him (i doubt anything does anymore) so i'll just find my favourite teeshirt and jeans and borrow my sister's birks. the weather's wet, pullovers, a bag and and umbrella.

random thoughts and words

2006-08-30T22:35:00.000+08:00

i'm reading all these religious tomes and wondering. just wondering what the hell is wrong with me. humans are really something. the human mind is so complex, diverse and intricate that psychologists have got their theories all mixed up and wrong wrong wong.

i fear the afterlife but i'm only 21. i've not yet lived. please stop driving the fear of death and beyond into me because i'm beginning to think there's no reason to even bother living in the first place. and yet my religion does not condone suicide for suicice is giving up. we ain't quitters. right right.

why bother being poignant and prosaic when your words are but words, not sacred scribbles. the whole feeling that writing is a pretense when you already know that you have an audience. what was it that paul chow said? a pitfall, there is no whole truth when subconsciously you censor yourself to better appeal to your audience. so i don't make sense and i don't care for political correctness. blame yourself for chancing upon this blog.

i just wish you'd stop this. stop doing this to me. what do you get when you find yourself torn between wanting to be detached and distant (because emotions are bad, being emotional is bad, gets you into a shitload of trouble and you'll realise that there isn't such a thing as happiness or that happiness is really, truly ephemeral; lost in the blink of a shuttered eye) and alive and awake and free.

who am i kidding. i'm never going to be free.

i talked a lot to my students today. about relationship, about marriage and committment, parenthood, choices in education and personal ambition. it made me realise that i had all these principles and beliefs that i subconsciously held on to which ironically, made me feel good. i'm not lost. struggling, but i am not lost. not one without a code of conduct with which to live life by. i need more of that.

i'm pretty exhausted and am going to retired. no school for next week. say hello to term break and hanging out with friends whom i've been missing out. i miss you guys. please call me and schedule chill sessions because you do know when we grow older, it gets harder to make friends. you have to cherish what you have now and strengthen that bond.

i miss my 'brothers'. the lumbering spongebob idiot and the stoned braced wannabe pai kia.

in too deep

2006-08-29T23:01:00.000+08:00

i don't understand why staring at the ceiling bothers me. maybe because it reminded me of childhoods spent cloistered in rooms with a noisy fan. forced to sleep at 9. you hear the faint strains of the television outside but remember you're supposed to be asleep and you're not allowed to watch any tv. traffic and the sounds of voices - laughter, shouts, wails and chatter. the mattress and pillows are hot and stifling and you just can't seem to sleep.

tossing and turning. drifting in and out of fitful slumber. why didn't i reach out to you then? because you were sleeping so peacefully. my little flashbacks are nothing. just a sudden dip into a past so hollow, so empty and so lonely that i never wanted to go back to.

the journey home was quick and blank. i think i misplaced the invoices. please don't kill me. a sudden voice in my head screams you've lost the words and now you must find it. sounded odd, makes me feel so much like malice in blunderland.

it's terrifying. this dependency. you take a step away, vanish into the darkness and that leaves me floundering. like fish out of water. i'm in too deep. very deep. hook, line and sinker.

she begins to talk just a little too much

2006-08-29T22:45:00.000+08:00

50dollars a day. more or less. what the fuck am i spending it on? besides cabfares and food. my cigarettes last me 4 days. so its impossible that i bomb a lot on that. miscellaneous food? i've stopped eating so much. i think. right? oh yeah. loans and bills. speaking of bills. the green loanshark sent me mail 130bucks.

damn it.

tomorrow's the last day of school before yet another term break. wow. that's fast. have calculated how much i would roughly earn. yes i want a psp. why? because my life is as boring as a cow wallowing in mud. seriously. i watched she's the man and ultraviolet over at his place. amanda bynes it not just hot, she's hilariously cute and funny. hot girls make cute boys. i make a cute boy but it doesn't mean i'm hot. really.

i need to figure out a way to earn more money. feeling uber guilty. i'm supposed to give my parents money not the other way around. fuck fuck fuck. BETTER FINANCE MANAGEMENT PLEASE! ok i promise no matter how small the amount, i will give them cash. if only because i feel majorly bad for being such a leech, working and earning my own allowance and not giving them any specially since dad has retired.

why am i rambling so much anyway? oh yeah. i'm gonna watch zathura and then sleep. PLEASE FIND THE V FOR VENDETTA CD! if not i'm gonna die a horrible death paying for overdue cds.

sigh.

and i really really want my abs and toned body back. is there a way i can do it without needing to expand so much effort? haha as if. was thinking of going back to swimming and running. then again. i am such a slob.

grar

2006-08-28T00:11:00.000+08:00

i want to fucking learn how to fucking drive.

*grumble*

i am going to get a psp and need for speed: most wanted. settled. now to get paid. and spend the rest of my life in isolation. hey at least i won't spend money excessively and i won't be anywhere else but home.

but fuck. what's she? a fucking groupie tagalong now?

suffocation

2006-08-27T23:41:00.000+08:00

happiness is short-lived. you'd like to admire a person who is wiser beyond her years if only because she doesn't display psychotic attributes? well we aren't all perfect people. and those who are, well, good for them. good for that. life still goes on.

sometimes i contemplate the viability of human perfection and imperfection. sometimes, i just wonder why do we label people. who are we, who gave us the right to label people as such. then again, who am i to make such statements and comments and chastise others for such actions.

it's just that it bothers me. sometimes still. that my own problems are to be minimized. not as if it's going to cause the next holocaust or bring about the apocalypse. but it matters to me because simply put, it's my life here that's affected. it's me. my own person. but that doesn't make sense. in fact none of this does.

i don't want to be forced into anything anymore. i'm tired of this. social propeity, rules and etiquette. why do i have to obey? why do i have to succumb? who are you to tell me that i am succumbing to others? hypocrisy. you're so fucking guilty of it yourself. i hate you for making me do things i don't want to. i hate you for governing my life. i hate you for making me guilty each and every time. i hate you not because of how you love me, or how you try your best to make my life better than yours were before. i hate you because you don't understand me. you don't understand my needs nor what i want and you believe that what you think and what you feel is right.

maybe it is. but please. you don't know me. not anymore. i'm more distant to you than the clouds, more distant to you than the afterlife. and i just wish you'd realise that.

why do i get bothered by this? because it happens all the time. because there is nothing that i can do but there is only one thing that i can and am supposed to do. and i don't want that. so why does this bother me? because either way happiness is short-lived. nothing will make this better. nothing will make this go away. i'm tired of even talking about it. so i'm sorry. but nothing you or i say or do will make it change.

that being said. i'm actually pretty hungry. but i figure starving myself is easier than making the effort to go and work out. sides. it helps that i stay in the office doing nothing but drawing doodles and sleeping and freezing my office-wear ass off in the cold.

also. i hate it that my emotions get amplified by ten thousand when i'm having my period. so i am going to be cranky. and it sucks that i can't lash it out because that's just childish. so i am going to shove all this down inside and figure out some other form of release.

meet up

2006-08-27T15:04:00.000+08:00

new poles for curtains. i've done almost everything i'm supposed to have done. i should go back to bed. but it's such a lovely day out and there really is nothing to do. i will let my sec 1s play and grill my sec 3s. suffer suffer suffer. i forgot what i did for her that helped her pass. my former student is getting As for her GP using the tips i gave her, why did it not work for me? such a loser.

=(

i need to find my dictionary. i bullshit and wing my way through questions with a smile and a half snarly glare. my hair is back to normal. my mother wants it lopped off. she isn't coming anywhere near it. i have movies to watch and cds to return. you better bring it! now i shall go plan my week.

who wants to meet up with me?

re-design

2006-08-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

i keep designing and redesigning. editing, modifying and troubleshooting. i'm almost going cross-eyed and it's time for bed. but i guess i'm kinda happy with the turnout. my mother claims it looks japanese. ho well. at least i've gotten rid of the old layout. was beginning to get sick of the brown tones. yech. haven't lost so much of my skills since the last time i opened up adobe.

my sweet sweet adobe.

will have to surf around and get more ideas. ahh i do so love design. and you said you'd call me around 10plus. its close to 12. i'm going to sleep already.

of budgeting and managing

2006-08-26T19:28:00.000+08:00

100 - to be put aside each time i get paid
50 - transport fees for a month (or more until it runs out)
100 - for 2 weeks for food
everything else - emergency cab fare, miscellaneous purchases (inclusive of viceroy, tampons and clothes)

or maybe i should put aside 50 for emergency cab fare. that leaves me with 100 for miscellaneous what ever. oh well. one must learn to budget else one becomes very poor and mismanaged.

with nothing better to do

2006-08-26T18:53:00.000+08:00

i got myself a camera filter to protect Deos. not only that, i'm getting an offer for the psp and a game for 345bucks. is it worth it? i was planning my expenditure while i was on the way back home. need for speed: most wanted, initial d, monster hunter or lemmings? ahh decisions decisions. i just hope that the one they're selling is the one that's got the internet browser. main reason why i wanted the latest version is because (a) i can listen to music and (b) i can check my email in school without needing to bring my notebook to school. in that way i can be up to date date date.

plus, lugging the psp plus cable is heck lot more lighter than illiriel and her adaptor.

took a bunch of photos. from raffles place till chinatown. i met mar and her boyfriend. really, the sweetest most adorable couple. it made me jealous, wishing he'd call or message or something. better not be making friends with beauty queens ah. he did call by the way and told me he missed me. i miss him too. a lot. if you're reading this, please remember to bring v for vendetta because i need to return the dvds/vcds asap.

anyway. edited the design for the girl's shirts. should print them out asap. very the troublesome. now i need to make sure 200 can last me till the end of next week. i'll only be paid for like 5 or less days the next time moe decides to kachingkaching. sad huh? fortunately i decided to scrap remedial because then, i wouldn't get paid either. hmpf. hardworking for what? mooncakes are teh sex.

somehow all i seem to want to do now, is to sleep. and oh, develop the photos i took today so i can decorate my table. i am artsy and i am cool. ;D or either that, i'm just a lewser with nothing better to do.

:(

little grunts, sighs and snores

2006-08-26T09:10:00.000+08:00

photos. i've been having weird odd dreams. but that's just normal. odd dreams that have yet to make sense. screw that. i'm going to go out and take pictures. random buses. i want to go to this huge flower place thingy i saw on my way to the house. remember to call the printer. gosh my period makes me cranky.

LONG WEEKEND NEXT WEEK! i ♥ immensely. i have to split money into 2 accounts. save up save up for the future. save up save up for a license, a car and some other luxury items.

i do not like being teased about my curfew. yeah at this age and i still have a curfew. sucks to be me etc etc etc. tell me something i don't already know and feel fucked up about. also, don't make fun of the fact that i have to keep bathing in flowered water. i don't like it. what makes you think i do? it's not that i want to, it's because i have to. end of story.

the ideal daughter is one who listens to her parents. who is right and virtuous. who prays and is religious. who knows all the 'rights' and 'wrongs' of the religion. she is one who obeys her parents, who makes them happy. she is one who listens to them and sacrifices her own happiness and desires because after all, they know what is best.

i've grown so docile and tame that i feel so detachedly amused by it all. a lot of things don't seem to bother me anymore simply because (this i have come to realise last night after i put the phone down) there is no point in letting them bother you. because it will achieve nothing but resentment and malcontent.

so be grateful with what you have and what you are given. your troubles are the least of your worries. we function in a utilitarian society. who the hell gives a fuck about your own personal life, personal shit and personal problems?

definitely not the rest of the world.

so with that knowledge, why should you care so much about it?

hmmm. philosophy is evil at times isn't it?

scream out your name

2006-08-25T14:55:00.000+08:00

i know why i'm tired and sluggish. the red queen has come to visit me. i keep falling asleep in the staff room. eventhough it was terribly cold and there was so much commotion. i just konked out listening to matchbook romance and reading alice in wonderland. the irony isn't it? i'm trying to see that alternate story, that alternate meaning to alice in wonderland.

so far i think i preferred the looking glass to wonderland. there's just something about it that hints more of darkness than the first book. then again, it could be me or i'm just under the influence of bad alice.

teachers' day next week. there's a dinner for the teachers as well and i'm to go. i don't feel like it. what's the point anyway. i don't get paid on thursday and friday is a holiday. can we say extended weekend? about time too. eventhough i'll be paid for about 5 days worth of work. can't have your cake and eat it. oh well.

i just want to lie down and have a nap. air-conditioning at the right temperature and everything else. people to hang out and chill with tomorrow. then again, i want to go out and take photos tomorrow. it's about time! chinatown sounds like a good idea. i didn't know pagoda street existed. wild, vibrant and filled with tourists, souvenirs and beads.

right. dunnoe what i'm rambling already. early weekend for me. tempted to cut my hair. wanna run, work out and slog. i miss having my abs, i want my 4 pacs back. gimme gimme. i'm going to start running again.

between boredom and everything else

2006-08-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

a psp or a nano?

decisions decisions. there are more passes now. i think i'm just too kind. kids really do stink. literally. the smell, oh god the smell. 3 periods tomorrow. i wish i could say freedom, but really, it's otherwise. pressure. an underlying curtain of fear.

i don't want them to find out.

this has been the most enjoyable read. this is what i wanted (and still want) to do after i graduate. i just have to figure out how to get there.

damn but it still stinks that eventhough you're 21, you have to be home by 10. just because. you're a girl. you're the youngest. sigh. anyway. saturday with my girls. cameras, pictures, window shopping and the endless gossip.

i would like dresses. a smaller face. longer body. healthier hair. nice cheaper tops. birkenstocks. flowers - dahlias, daisies, chrysanthemums (of the white variety). a psp (haha!). and stop biting my thumbnail so much. now it just hurts.

oh the simple dreary insipid things that keep me amused. don't mind me, i had 4 hours worth of free period sleeping and clearing up all excess papers that needed to be marked. school holidays next next week = freedom! but that also means NO MONEY! : (

that's me in the corner

2006-08-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

listening to: dishwalla - every little thing

i'm proud of myself. for completing my marking. my classes didn't do that bad for the test. sure there weren't any outstanding grades (save for 2 kids, 1 from each class) but at least there weren't a lot of failures. i'm contemplating having remedials for them during the holidays and give them a crash course in comprehension. i have to read up on letter writing and situational writing. since we all never did bother with that in college and college was about the last time that i had to bother with english.

or general paper, as it was then called. rubbish really.

my dad wants me to be home before 9. phooey. as if. at least i'm not coming home at 11 or 12 or hell even 1 in the morning. you ought to be thankful for that. but no point griping over it because parents will be parents and you can be 21 or 31 and they'll still treat you like you're 12. this especially happens when you're the youngest, the so-called princess in the family. yeah right. in any case, i've got such huge plans in december. gonna be working alongside a good friend on some social community service project. such grand plans and grand ideas. i love how i could visualise what she was trying to put across to the masses in my head. she was just talking and telling me and i could see the pictures, the concepts and the layouts in my head. totally, awesome.

i've lots to think tonight. a lot. some things do not come with solutions, no answer sheet at the back for you to peek. you have to touch, feel and figure your way out through it. but the one thing to keep in mind is that you're not alone. there is a reason he is there and there is a reason why the two of you are (or were) together. work things out, talk things out. there has never been a smooth-sailing relationship. no one i know (and definitely not in this whole world) has ever had a smooth all systems go relationship. and that's how it's meant to be. bumps and potholes are common but at the end of it all, you're supposed to come out of it stronger and more determined.

a test of faith, of will, of inner strength and most importantly, love. i know i've made mistakes. plenty. i know this is a growing process. i understand the risk you are taking. i understand the confusion and anguish. right now i want to figure things out to make things better. and of course, to assure you that something of the sort isn't going to happen again. and what ways and measures we can take to ensure that if such a thing does happen, we'll be able to ride it out, hand in hand.

i do love you. when i don't see you for a day and i see you the next day. it feels as if i'm falling for you all over again. i don't know if it's the same for you. i know you'd probably be confused. if i felt that way. if it feels like that. why did i do that? why did i say that? we both know what it is. but i do hope that you can see that despite it all, i still love you very much.

free from stressful marking. it feels good to complete your to-do list. now i can take a nice hot shower, snuggle in bed and have an early night and wake up looking less like a zombie tomorrow. :D i is liking it very the much.

sapphire and faded jeans

2006-08-23T06:10:00.000+08:00

should i or should i not bring the laptop to work? i feel so proud of my shiny firefox. i can get the thing defragged whilst i'm in class teaching. so yes or no? hmm. such a dilemma. better get ready now before i'm late. again. screw the idea for yesterday's outfit. a nice purple dress. i should bring a change of clothes. i shall bring back the other class's papers. am done with 2 classes now.

hah and you dare call me a slacker! it ain't easy trying to find points somewhere somehow to try and give you kids a passing grade okay.

it's good to find new girlfriends. now i've also got someone whom i can unload my textbooks too. at a lower rate. teehee.

things to keep in mind belts, dresses, shirtdresses, heels, slip-ons, lingerie, new phone, camera lens.

kay i'm off!

the devil wears prada (and more)

2006-08-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

listening to: paramore - pressure

all is right with my technologically geeky world. my firefox is up and running. no more safe mode. now if only someone can figure out just what is wrong with my msn. gonna have a semi-early night. have got enrichment classes to conduct. i wonder if i should schedule remedials for my kids. they did so horribly for the comprehension. i tried, really tried, to give a good majority a passing grade. and that's just a passing grade. none of them got fantabulously wonderful marks. kinda disappointed.

change of heels. a striped button shirt. black skirt (as always, when has it ever been any other colour other than black?). grey sweater. watching the devil wears prada made me wish i had more money to expand on clothes. damn but i love her fashion style. sis has a flight to japan tomorrow and she only just got back.

time for me to hit the sack now. and if you're wondering why my phone is off (this is to him), it's because i'm charging it. it'll be back on tomorrow at 0530hours.

anxiety attacks

2006-08-22T06:02:00.000+08:00

anxiety attacks are something that i don't get very often. usually it happens when i'm under a lot of stress. having one last night freaked me out. it literally felt as if the whole world, the room, the walls were coming in at me from all sides. trying to make sense of things, crying, feeling angry and helpless.

everything.

it would have helped if he was around. if he was somehow contactable. not blaming. but i would have definitely preferred talking to him and hearing his voice than another's. well, we don't always get our cake and eat it.

now i wake up with some feeling of loss in my stomach. a kind of fatigue and weariness that i remember feeling a long time ago before. i just can't place when. i yearn for comfort. for a moment to really rest, to really relax and to really let everything slip away. i keep counting down to the weekend because right now, that's about the only thing that holds me. but even weekends are burnt so fast. i don't know what i do nor where i go. they come and go and vanish in an instant.

there ought to be 4 1/2 workdays. so fridays are a halfday. so we can rest a teensy bit, enjoy and relish the prologue to the weekend and then the moment it hits 12 midnight, plunge into the weekend madness. or not madness. it just makes it feel and sound as if you'd get a lot more rest if working hours were really like that.

linda ong works from 9 (something) till close to 7. everyday. and the jams on some days after that. how does she manage it? maybe music is the only thing holding her in one piece and keeping her focussed and alive. i need to find something to grab, a placehold.

i need to find something to keep me alive.

sit alone and wonder

2006-08-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

listening to: dashboard confessional - screaming infidelities

what kind of music were we listening to when we were 15 and 16? boybands? dialect? yeah so i admit that i used to listen to backstreet boys and boyzone. then eventually i found the wonders of greenday and other nearing-mainstream underground bands. the internet really is your best friend. that and p2p software. of course, before the whole law and piracy thing. funny how my sec 1 boys know of electrico and ronin whereas their older counterparts have no clue who they are.

what happened to that time lapse?

i finished marking 10 lit papers and another 10 comprehension papers. i'm going to segment everything into 10s. it makes it less stressful and pressurising. everything has to be complete by the 28th. then the marks will be keyed in and maybe there'll be moderation and maybe there won't. no. teaching isn't easy. it never will be. not to me. unless someone can do something about the whole marking thing. how did my father ever manage it?

i haven't caught up on sleep. i've only had 3 hours worth. i'll suffer and die tomorrow. i'm supposed to have an early night tonight. but i have to figure out what to plan to teach the kids tomorrow. i dread seeing the lit class. it's just sad when you see a class that has potential. there are those who'd cluster round to listen and devour every word, ensuring they'd score good grades. then there are those who do nothing more than to disrupt class with their voice, with their playfulness, with their childishness. then again, can't blame them. they are kids.

were we ever that horribly undisciplined and uncontrollable at that age? times have changed i suppose.

everytime i watch jamie oliver cook, i get tempted to run to the kitchen, open the fridge and peer at what's available to cook. there's always the urge but i'm always so lazy. and well, i wish i had a cool kitchen as he did, with all those herbs and garnishings within reach. someday. when i consider cooking as a hobby (this means i have nothing else to do).

meeting girlfriends throughout the week. scattered. there's jo and the queen and the bimbo. i've missed them loads. right. back to marking. i caught linda ong (the bassist from lunarin) on stomp and that was the first time i saw her smile (multiple times!) and even laugh! shocking. really. i remember seeing her duplicate/clone at borders a long time back and i was just shocked. because she (the clone) was laughing and smiling and to my knowledge linda never smiles or laugh. or i've never seen her smile or laugh. she's always so serious. but yeah. it was hilarious. the guitarist and the drummer were suanning her. actually they were just talking about their impressions of her when they first met her. geeky, coke-bottle glasses and all. heh.

on wednesday, pale pretense turns 3. despite the hiatus and everything else, can't believe that we were together for so long. i miss those guys.

the best of you

2006-08-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

listening to: foo fighters - best of you

so it's been a long while since i last updated. or rather, someone mentions that its just unusual and odd for me to not update everyday. hey, i've work to do you know. i've not taken photos in a long while. feeling unpretty and simply eckish. then i realise waddahell. so what if i'm just sweet and cute. screw that. i'll be all morbid and creepy and then they'll all have something to say. HAHAHA!

i know i'm not making any sense. since when does carrefour play foo fighters? but they did. while i was looking at junkfood and canned soup. i've this craving for canned soup. there are a lot of things that need to be done. marking, managing my finances, doing designs and getting started on my assignment. i don't want to fail it again. i've made it this far for it to go to waste again.

suddenly i'm scared of starting work. this 9 to 5 drivel. ok, maybe not 5. or 9. working everyday, feeling the drain and the routine. it isn't so bad. it's the marking that gets to you. when you're done with one pile, it doesn't end there. there's more. oh hell there's more where that came from. neverending. maybe that's why teachers always go through answers in class. because then it saves them the agony of marking. yeah.

65 a day. it isn't so much. but it keeps the mobile phone sharks away. and some spare cash to buy clothes. i want to sew my own skirts, my own dresses. get me my own style, a style to call my own.

i wonder if he'd enjoy snuggling together at a cafe, sipping coffee, idle chat and companiable silences. i didn't realise i missed him a lot today till he said that he wasn't going to meet me and was going to hang out with the guys. well, at least he's meeting me. even for a short while.

better than nothing.

mmm what did you say?

2006-08-18T00:08:00.000+08:00

listening to: imogen heap - hide and seek

It is very funny the way things work. Skipped work because I had a recurring fever. Stress. How do the permanent teachers do it? Really I wonder. Because I suck at it. 3 periods tomorrow. Please don't let me relief. I just want to sit in the staffroom and sleep. Because I am sick, I only have a day's worth of MC and a shitload of marking to do. Herbal tea anyone? I think its the excessive amounts of chicken pies and curry puffs and redbulls that I've been ingesting to keep me alive.

I'm such a sad loser. HAHAHA! As if. This isn't making sense. I don't really know what else to say. Meeting up with a bunch of people next week. Lunches and the like. My college class representative emailed us. Some reunion (school, as in the whole school and alumni and shit) at the expo. Of all places. The expo. Is that not an irony when the school is quite literally located all the way in the west?

Who am I to question eh?

Right. Occupy the mind, occupy the self. But first. I need to sleep.

what's going on here?

2006-08-13T22:55:00.000+08:00

I would like to get to know some people. Beyond that shallow pool of superficiality. I realise I really need to get to know other people. Outside the usual circle of friends. As yet I have made plans to have dinner with old friends - Mademoiselle Vijay and the brother (because the two complement each other very well where deep meaningful conversations are concerned), Josie the Pussycat, Khai and Miss Choi.

I only know you guys. Hi and bye. I never sat down to know more, delve more. I need to make connections because I feel so lost and I need to be a little bit more grounded now. I don't want to make superficial judgements based on touch-and-go impressions.

Been looking at a lot of advertisements. Print especially and a bunch of television ones. Makes you reconsider and re-evaluate your own definition of advertising. Teasers and those that are all out to get you and GET into you. I love the way advertisements are these days. All these public messages and information dissemination techniques. It's like the book I read on how to package promotional material. Awed. Fascinated.

And I suck at dating sims.

Gonna have to iron my skirt and blouse and be ready for work. It's common tests and I'm invigilating classes. Bugger. I hope the medical doesn't cost a lot more than it should. This is enough to tide me till the next payday. Should I get a Creative mp3player or an iPod Nano?

Rockstar Supernova is just too fucking awesome. I caught the episodes of In the Mansion and their talent is unsurpassed. Eat SHIT Singapore Idol (poor Rahimah). Dilana is awesome. They're insane (or just a bunch of horny deprived bastards) to keep Zayra. She cannot sing. And Jill. ARGH! Talk talk talk talk talk someone tell her to shut up PLEASE! She's in love with her voice and honestly, she is OTT. Way too OTT. Ryan's rendition of REM's Losing My Religion almost had me crying. I honestly thought Dana's version of About a Girl was awesome.

Right.

But really though. I shouldn't be bothered about it. Because technically I drove him to doing that. So it is my fault. A lot of things are my fault. Because I really suck ass at trying to fix my own life. Oh well.

Allow me to rent out my (false) expertise on photography. I should call Ness up sometime and go on a shoot with her. God knows I need inspiration.

talk her down

2006-08-12T20:16:00.000+08:00

listening to: starsailor - way to fall

I have this uncanny ability to find really sad depressing songs. Actually, I wasn't really finding them. I look for a particular song and then I see something that catches my fancy and whabam! I get a load of other dishy songs to listen to of which some just happen to be a lil sad. But no matter. New music is better than no music. I'm trying to find old Fall Out Boy music. Very raw and trippy.

Today I took a 4o-min bus ride to the Jurong East library where I deposited my overdue books. One is missing and I still can't find it. At least the fine won't accumulate times three. I watched the scenery pass me by. I saw Pandan Reservoir, the 6km-in-diameter pool of water where my dad used to bring us to run and jog and exercise. I remember finding stones in the shapes of dinosaur and playing by the edge, peering into the murky water and occasionally seeing dead floating fish.

I see dead fish.

The bus I took, 143, passed by our old house. The one with the sinking flat. The corridor that we bough and the dark tinted windows. The curry plant is still outside. Remembering the time this mad man came with a chopper and tried to hack the door and dad pushing him away with a bamboo pole. The endless Hari Raya visits, neighbours who were all our friends on the floor. The family beside us who baked kueh baulu which happened to be my favourite. I remember playing with their daughter Raudhah and the boy who lives above at the very end named Azhar who was my primary school classmate.

I remember the kittens. The girls from primary school coming over to practice dance steps and choreograph. The time when there was some civil defence thing and the whole family coming down to partake in festivities. Running in a room full of smoke and doing the flying fox. Another primary school classmate who lived in the condominium across the hugeass longkang.

Old memories. With the swimming complex where I had my weekly lessons and the community center where we played hide and seek and where my cousin held her wedding. The row of shops and the particular Chinese sinseh where we bought chewable vitamins and dad purchased royal jelly which he made us eat every Sunday morning. I detested that. Slime going down my throat.

I had a normal childhood. One where I only remember slivers and snippets of. Everything else is now here. Rooted here. And those that are here, are those that take a while for me to recall.

I thought about things. A lot of things. Kids, children and toddlers. Wondering if I'd ever be a mother. If I'd ever want to, thinking about the responsibilities. Not just managing the finances - primary, secondary, tertiary and university education. Bringing them up. Good citizens, good individuals. Impartial, neutral, firm and strong.

I thought about you and us. How we're so incompatible and yet Viv mentioned this in passing. That you were practical and I was whimsical (not in a bad way, let's just say that I soften things a bit). That you were straightforward and I epitomised detours. In an odd way we complemented each other.

I can't really say more. That's for when the week is up. When I've had more to think about.

My checkup is on Monday. Let's just hope for the best. I'm healing but there's always a but. I shall go and play simple Sudoku because I suck and rock that way. =) It beats Solitaire. I'm not running away from things. I'm trying to figure out. Trying to resolve. I'm only worried that it'll be a cycle once again.

These are the times where I wish that my life was really very normal normal. My family was the epitome of normal. And eventhough normal is boring, at least it won't result in stupid shitty things like this happening.

Wouldn't you agree?

2006-08-11T23:42:00.000+08:00

everything i say slaps me back in the face. i have this gut feeling that you've already embarked on the journey to moving on. i think all this while i was lying to myself. i cannot change you and you will not be changed. dumbass. really. i don't know what else to say without crying so much already.

sway my way

2006-08-06T21:51:00.000+08:00

listening to: bic runga - sway

Why are we able to identify with songs so much? Emotive lyrics that pull and tug and strum a certain chord in our soul. So much worry, so much concern. I want to scream it all out, bleed it all out. I just want to do something to purge myself of it.

I cannot run away from my past. I cannot run away from who I was before. I can acknowledge. I know and I agree and admit that I wasn't a very nice person. The things I did were, simply put, fucked up. The choices, the decisions and the paths I walked. They weren't made rational, everything all as impulsive as fleeting wayward emotions that I used to epitomise so well.

But I'm different now and I am changed. I may still have no definite direction but I'm doing something at least. Something that might shed an incadescent light on what the end might be. But as it stands now, a clouded aquarium with visibility zero thanks to algae and sludge.

The truth hurts. What we say in moments of anger and hurt are reflections of how we truly think and feel. With regards to something or someone. I cannot brush it away because it is the truth. And because the person who said it, matters to me.

All the times I claim I never felt special because I'm not. Not when I was like that. Not when I can remember who that girl who smirked at me in the mirror a year or so ago. How can you be special knowing you're just so fucked up? And for that matter, how can you believe that you are special when the person who claims that you are, to them, is the one who said the truth?

Maybe I'm not the one. Maybe that's another truth I have to swallow, to try and hide the tears that're threatening to fall.

Maybe I never will be.

Disclaimer: This is not to say I've given up. This is just how I feel. Of what's going through my mind at this very moment. Please don't take this the wrong way. Please.

breathe damn it

2006-07-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

listening to: explosions in the sky - first breath after coma

The Bottom Line

Any obstacles that will appear now will really just be old fears popping up again.

In Detail

This day may toss a few roadblocks in your direction, but they're false obstacles. Your old fears are at work here -- and they're trying every trick in the book to psyche you out and get you doubting yourself. But the good news is that all you have to do is remember that the past is the past, and the shape of your future is in your hands. Today is when the shaping can happen. You just need to let your bravery take charge. Don't let your fears get the better of you!

***

And that was what my horoscope had to say. I feel insecure because I feel that I am nothing. No one. A nobody. No crowd shall scream my name like a chant, a choir. No papers herald me, to call me genius nor prodigy.

This feels pretty much like failure. I feel hollow. Not depressed. Disappointed. Hollow. I could be more. But what is more? What could I have done in the first place? I start to question the choices I've made and the paths I've taken. I feel like a Jenga tower and there's only one wooden block at the very bottom, so precariously holding the structure together. I'm tipping. Crashing? Not too sure. But I know I'm tipping, swaying from side to side.

Don't let me come undone.

So I've tried lowering the expectations I place upon myself. Doesn't really help. This self-imposed notion, ideal of what I should be. Of what I want to be. I don't feel too sure anymore. I don't seem to know who I am. I feel as if my identity's been stripped. No spine, no stand, jellyfish and all that.

What do I want to do? What would I like to do? The thing is that, I don't know anymore. I really don't. Blank pages, empty reams of paper and they all fall around me like A4-sized snowflakes. I feel as if I'm trapped in limbo, in some strange sense of ennui that makes everything slur and suddenly go half-time. Deadweight in space.

I should just sleep.

just a little breather

2006-07-21T03:23:00.000+08:00

listening to: anna nalick - breathe

Why do we identify with underdogs so much? Because we all are?

It's true isn't it? In a way. We're always feeling low and miserable because in our eyes when we look at that mirror, we can't see ourselves being special. Where's that little switch inside our brains that lights the rest of us up. So at least, you know, you could say "Hey I feel special coz' I'm lighting up and all aglow!". But its all a cruel lie and the sadder thing is that, we're the ones lying to ourselves.

Ego problems. Identity issues. Poor self-esteem. Lack of confidence. Everything the underdog faces. Everything that we essentially are. People always say its a matter of changing your mindset, of realigning your beliefs and train of thought. Yeah sure I'd subscribe to it if it was easy as swallowing pills and gulping water down thereafter.

But it ain't and it never will. Or maybe that's just the stubbornness speaking.

Why the hell do we even compare ourselves to others anyway? As if that's going to solve anything. So what? Sometimes you think you lead a sad miserably pithy existence but that's just peanuts as compared to how others are living. It's all in the head but it's also part of being human. Because you can argue that hey at least you know there are other people who lead shittier lives than you do but it doesn't change the fact that you still feel that way and people can try and slap you and smack some humbling pie into your face and its not that you aren't humble or you're completely self-absorbed its just that you're...

human.

And no one can blame you for that. Just as long as you don't do the whole wallowing in self-pity shit too much because now that's just nasty and selfish.

I didn't have a point or theme at hand when I wrote this just that watching Avatar and Zuko and his plights and falls and everything else were something that I could somewhat identify with, but in a different more realistic and less anime-like circumstance.

Sometimes we pick at old wounds because they're something so familiar and easier to manage. Because sometimes new wounds are so much similar to the old ones, to the past and you feel that maybe if you focussed on the past it'd be easier to handle the present. But that isn't the case.

Maybe all we need to do is breathe, change of scenery. A little vacation.

Maybe.

due for a miracle

2006-07-13T01:15:00.000+08:00

listening: thrice - stare at the sun

LJ has become aesthetically yuck. I hate the navbar and in all truth and honesty, I hated the developer codes. Smother me with melons for I am a lazy bum who surfs journal template sites so that I won't have to crack my head configuring GLOBAL_HEAD and what goes into that shit and all that nonsense.

I have an exam on Saturday. I have a(sorta) job on Friday. I've yet to finish studying the 15 presentations that Dr. Larry (because his last name is just too damn hard to spell nor pronounce) had kindly uploaded to his site so that we, his errant foreign students, may download and then absorb every inch of information like a sponge.

Who lives in an apartment almost by the sea?

Yeah I know. My kind of humour usually gets the O_o look rather than a bunch of laughs.

One other gripe before I go back to mugging; why can't the library just put all the books in the Forgotten Realms series in one area or some shit or categorise books according to genre. It would save all of us the trouble and agony. I hate finding books and realising that its oh book three or four in a six-part saga. You're always stuck in the middle and you just never seem to get to the start or the end. The only fantasy saga that I got to read in the correct order from beginning to end was Terry Brooks's Shannara.

Damn but if its one thing for these fantasy authors to always kill someone at the end of a couple of chapters. There's always a death count at the end of every book. I can only surmise that they're a depressed lot.

Right. Back to work. And oh, Blogger is hell easier to customise and personalise than LJ hence it rules.

I have newfound love for Thrice. But I'm only listening to that song. Artist in the Ambulance is by far their best album.